Faith and Doubts

In St. Paul tonight. A conference. We got here last night, late. Like past midnight late. You would have been proud of me. I was wide awake. I think it was adreneline flowing. I drove into St. Paul right straight up 35W into St. Paul having to totally trust the GPS. When we first got that thing I didn't have any trouble trusting it. The GPS led us faithfully exactly where we wanted to go. Then one time it didn't. We went miles out of the way in fact. So should I trust this thing or not? Well, since I didn't have a map open and it was dark, and I had no idea how else to do this..I listened to the GPS. What do you think? Is this really faith? Is it faith by default? There sure were plenty of doubts mixed in as I looked around and wondered if I shouldn't be heading off in a different direction. I kept heading in the direction Miss GPS was telling me, despite my misgivings. And. Here I am. Right where I wanted to be all because I kept going despite my doubts.

DST

Clocks set ahead. check.
To bed early. check.
Dark when I wake. Again.
But on the plus side I am enjoying a 'longer day'. :)
When told the reason for daylight savings time the Old Indian said, "Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to and have a longer blanket."

I've been thinking.

1. Ready for outside activities: biking, hiking, camping, swimming, walking the neighborhood, having brats uptown on warm evenings.
2. Finish the bathroom remodel...please soon.
3. Reconfiguring our yard for a fire pit.
4. thinking about a vacation...YES!
5. Time to put in the new upstairs windows. Wouldn't it be nice to get a new carpet up there as well!!
6. Take time to have lunch out of the office.

Yes. These few things are plans for spring. It's almost here.

Just build me another book shelf

I really enjoy using technology. Love love love my ipad, laptop,kindle fire, phone and whatever else there is to fiddle with. Love experimenting and learning new stuff, but here is my big confession today: I really perfer reading from a book. Real live paper book. Skip my nook, my kindle, my ipad for the book and head right to the printed on paper book. Someone said to me today something that made me nod my head in total agreement: No, don't buy me one of those nook things I'd rather have a book. If I run out of room build me another book shelf. Yes.

On "Winter in the Heart"

I really thought I hadn't done any blogging for way more than a year, but I see that it is not so. I have pictures from Christmas 2010 and even a post from 2011.

It has been a long year of...well, probably normal things, but some that are not quite so. Once mom died I didn't think things would ever look the same again. And really, life has gone on very differently. Well, differently than I had planned I guess. But still, the good things: There has been the family-kids and grandkids; a joy and a blessing. There has been work; something I've always loved now coming into closer perspective. There has been home life;really I must focus on a bigger picture. There have been friends; they bring focus and keep me from myself. Thank goodness. There has been church; I am reminded that this life is not about me.

So, while I sometimes feel a bit aimless and confused and find that I am still struggling, I am not without hope. I have seen blooms coming up through the winter snow, Robins singing before the winter storms, clear signs of coming spring. Faith takes hold...

On forgiving

I have , like many others, been in this position many times.. Needing to forgive. From experience I know i must find a way fo let this go. Really, the hurt comes from a direction i wasnt expecting, and I'm pretty sure these people really have no idea. There are clearly two sides to my heart in this, you know, the one that is so crushed and dismayed that it insists on clinging to the pain. I am trying not to cuddle up to it, or to let it grow in me, but I sense it taking root. Yesterday I heard from my pastor that forgiving doesn't mean that what was done is ok, or that it somehow makes everything fi e, it just gives you ( me in this case) release. I so need that. I need to let this go. I need to not nurture this pain let it root and take hold of me. I think too, that it's not like I've never unintentionally, or even intentionally hurt someone. I have graciously received forgiveness many times. I guess the other huge struggle is in knowing what my continued responsibility to these people is? Do send them birthday cards. Invite them for meals? Call and chat like I used to on occasion? I want to ignore them nd just cut them off. Nicely of course. If I never saw these people again that would be fine with me, however I suspect forgiveness won't let me off quite that easily.
"this is how the heavenly father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart"

Gratefulness

I saw someone else doing this. On their blog. I wondered at the numbered lists, but when I figured it out I realized what a great idea it was. Actually I read a whole book about this: Developing the habit and attitude of gratitude. I led a Sunday School class for 8 weeks where we dove into developing gratitude in our lives. It is a very appealing quality in other people. In fact, I'm quite drawn to people who are creatively thankful. By that I mean, they go above and beyond just saying Thank You. They actually ACT thankful, and tell others how thankful they are. Well, I don't want it to be too smothering or anything and really there's nothing wrong with a plain " thank you", but I do want to grow in my gratefulness. Perhaps that will keep me from my 'moodiness' (or sullenness if you will) It's a part of the 'LIVE OUT LOUD' move for me. So I have a new tool to help me. Well, not really new, just different and more fun. My IPAD. I put a journal App on it right away so it's my 2011 journal. I put away the pen and I am typing this year. So far, so Cool. My point? At the end of every day's entry I have space to reflect. I am listing 5 specific things that I'm grateful for. I may elaborate on what I mean, or it might just be a list. The point, of course, is to conciously think about all the things in my life that should make me truly a more grateful person. Then I will add one specific action that also shows more gratefulness from me. Like writing a thank you letter.... So. Want to join me???