On hiding

I finished reading Stasi Eldridge's Captivating last week. That's a five star book and I highly recommend it! I really need to go back and get a copy of my own so I can underline, copy and think on it further. It's always scary for me to look at the mirror of self. I'm usually not too pleased with what I see. But in this respect, the authors are very encouraging and hold out hope for women and for me specifically.

At one point they talk about a woman 'hiding' because of wounds to her soul and spirit. I find that that hits the nail right on the head for me and describs what I tend to do, very well. It's funny, I used to have dreams, often, about hiding. About running and running and running and finding ways to hide...from my family mostly. They are talking about a way of keeping the self hidden so no one will see the flaws or the hurts or let self be opened up to be wounded by others again. It includes the one thing that I tend to do when I'm hiding: clam up in a group. I see myself slipping into the hiding mode when I feel rebuked or critisized; when things don't meet my expectations; when I feel like I've failed in...almost anything; Or that big fear "what if they don't like me?" What's worse for me is that I see others thinking that my behavior is their fault. I can't tell you how many people I've offended because I can't share what's really going on in me. I really don't want to tell anyone that I'm afraid, or that I've done it wrong. It leaves me in despair.

Well, I need to get the book and re read this section so I can get out of the funk that I'm in. Off to the library! Ha!