Blue like Jazz...again

So, every half page that I'm reading in Don Miller's book and I have to stop and re read. Then re read and process. He's saying what I have felt in my heart so many times, and I've not been able to verbalize. I am amazed. I guess this would be the point where I should start a book study or something but I have a blog so here I am again. Writing about this amazing book Blue Like Jazz....

I have been 'doing' women's ministry with our church for a couple of years now and sometimes I get pretty depressed about my performance with it. It's probably not a good idea for me to go into detail here, but let it be said that I haven't done the best job or perhaps even been the best person at this. Oh, sure, I'm organized and can run a meeting and plan events but so far nothing has been what could be considered a rousing success. Even I have suspected that it's because I haven't a heart for it. One warm summer evening we (the team) sat out on my back porch and after a fabulous devotion and prayer time, committed to each other that we would go on a fast of all things negative. In other words, we would only think, say and do kind, good, christian things to all those that crossed our paths daily. I remember being exhilerated by the challenge. This was exactly what I needed to get myself out of my ugly funk. I laugh at that week now. I don't think I managed even an hour. I worked at it for a few days before giving up. And then I read this from Don Miller:

"I found myself trying to love the right things without God's help and it was impossible. I tried to go one week without thinking a negative thought about another human being and I couldn't do it. Before I tried that experiment, I thought I was a nice person, but after trying it, I realized I thought bad things about people all day long and that, my natural desire was to love darkness. My answer to my dilema was self discipline. I figured I could just make myself do good things, think good thoughts about other poeple, but that was no easier than walking up to a complete stranger and falling in love with them. I could go through the motions for awhile, but sooner or later my heart would testify to its truer love: darkness."

I know he's not writing this to offer me an excuse for my behavior, even though it was only my thoughts. He's telling me in a way that I clearly understand, I am not in control. The sin nature goes all the way through. I can stop pretending any time now. Not that I should be out behaving without restraint. I have to recognize that God and His grace alone has reached in and loved me despite the darkness inside me. What can I do but love a God like this, who really knows and understands me? And because of that kind of love, I must, I am compelled to reach out to my fellow traveller and share this amazing good news. Wow.